i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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