i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
