the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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