Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
