Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
