Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I want to fling myself into the sun
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize