i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
