You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
