I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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