I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
