It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
