I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
