I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
