Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
two words: eviction party
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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