i already hear my dad disowning me
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
