im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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