i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize