I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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