So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
