I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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