Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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