I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
