I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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