I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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