My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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