I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
