I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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