please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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