it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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