he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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