My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
