My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sarcasm needs its own font
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize