Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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