Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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