She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
