My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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