And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sext me about skeletons
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize