i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
