My nipple is on Facebook.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
