I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
