saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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