ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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