I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
