we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
