i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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