Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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