I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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