but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
