I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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