I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
