just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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