She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
