She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize