I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
