Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
