If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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