I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
