If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize